i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
