I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
