I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
