I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
