i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
