"it" just moved
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
