so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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