Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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