Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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