My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
