The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
