Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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