Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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