i just had sex bonerless
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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