you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
