The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
