did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
