did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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