come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
