you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes