She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on