I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
