You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
