I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
