I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
