i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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