is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
