Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
