I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
