My liver just broke up with me...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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