dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
