What a fucking waste of an outfit
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
