i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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