Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
