someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
