meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
