He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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