i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
