I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
