Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
