So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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