This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
