I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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