I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
