I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
