New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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