oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
