we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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