Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
