mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
