she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
