Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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