After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
