This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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