i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
