Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
