am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
