I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
