I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
